This is not about music at all

In direct contradiction to what I laid out in my first post, here's something that's been on my mind that has nothing at all to do with music. Basically.

I've been on the road since school let out on May 5th, and haven't been getting any exercise at all as a result. Now that I'm at my parents' house for a little chunk of the summer, I'm hitting the gym like crazy to try and catch up. Some of the people that frequent the gym achieve levels of ridiculousness that I previously thought were reserved for reality-show participants. Here's a quick rundown of things that you should never, ever do at the gym unless it's your first time (in which case you get a pass on some of this stuff, but not all of it).


Don't wear things that you can't work out in. This is especially relevant to

• JLo lady who works out in giant hoop earrings, and other assorted bling
• Mr. Nature guy who wears, not kidding, denim cutoffs, hiking boots, and no deodorant
• Armpit milkshake guy (wait for it...) who wears thick white deodorant and then does shoulder presses in the center of all the mirrors
• These idiots who wear sandals to the gym and somehow... SOMEHOW... are trying to pass it off as gangsta
• People who wear slacks and a tucked-in shirt to the gym
• Guys that take the "shirt required" policy at its absolute loosest interpretation, wearing "tank tops" that barely qualify as chest thongs

Then there are the general behavioral/etiquette things, like

• People that have apparently never done physical activities before, making up random exercises requiring multiple benches and other accessories (gets a pass, but not for more than a week)
• Lack-of-basic-common-sense guy, who has a giant gut but is doing crunches for some reason
• The Ticking Time-Bomb, who is clearly using way too much weight and contorting their body into shapes that have you holding your cell phone, with 911 already typed in, with your finger hovering over the "call" button to request their gurney
• Cardio-all-day-long-without-sweating person. If you're not sweating, it's probably not hard (that's what she said), and if it's not difficult, then you're probably not getting any exercise
• World's Strongest and Most Inconsiderate Man, who loads up every machine with the max possible weight, and doesn't take them back off. Which means I have to. Which is inconvenient, because I'm pretty weak.
• This-is-my-house guy, who leaves a towel on one machine, a water bottle at another, a hat on another... come on now. And then he'll do one set at a machine, then stand there talking on his phone, stretching and doing everything EXCEPT using the machine, all while positioning himself in the perfect position so that no one else can use it.
• Mr. Natural, who uses any and every excuse to get and stay naked in the locker room, and will take as long as possible to complete the requisite naked activities, even going so far as to shave in the public bathroom mirrors, naked. Yes, this happens. He'll use the scale naked, stretch naked, mess with every single item in his gym bag (that's not a euphemism) naked, etc.
• DJ Dumbass, who brings a stereo to the gym and forces everyone else to listen to his music. To add insult to injury, I've found that the type of person that brings stereos to the gym is NEVER the type of person whose taste in music agrees with mine.

Just in case you made it through this post without puking, let me just write this phrase down one more time, for the record: "Armpit milkshake guy". You're welcome.