Earth Food vs. My Alien Biology

I made excellent German potato salad for a potluck once and nobody ate it. It was an extra large batch because a million people we're going to be there, and I didn't know a lot of them so I did an extra good job to impress everyone. I wound up taking 90% of it home and the consensus around the potluck was that it was too spicy. Spoiler alert: it wasn't.

It was vegan but still tasted good. It's supposed to be vegan, German potato salad is just incidentally vegan, normally, in Germany. It tasted totally correct. And yet these Earth people told me it was too spicy. Ingredients: potatoes, mustard, vinegar, sugar, etc. Not spicy.

Did you know that some people prefer coffee that you can see through? Milk chocolate? Yellow beer? White bread? Provolone cheese? White turkey meat? White turkey meat!!! These are shared preferences among many people. I've heard explanations from otherwise great people about why these foods are good.

The entire concept of light food versus dark food makes no sense to me. In life, are we not supposed to want good things? If you learn about something better than what you had before, do you not want it? If somebody offers you a choice between one of two free options, do you not take the better one? And yet, there's a trap there.

I've picked the better one every time and it's only made my life worse. I let beer experts turn me on to pitch black 10% abv stout beers, now everything else tastes like apple juice. I let some Santa Cruz hippie talk me into trying 85% cacao chocolate and now milk chocolate is basically cotton candy. It works with music too. I've followed a trail of progressively weirder and more complicated metal music to the point that classical music bores the shit out of me and I have a Masters in it.

It's usually more nutritious too. Black plums are one of the most nutritious foods in the world. Know why chai tea is delicious and green tea tastes like a lawn? Chai is made with black tea. Black rice is better for you than white rice. Black beans have more fiber than pinto. Love blueberry pancakes? Try blackberry pancakes, friendo. Purple potatoes, purple carrots, red onions, all better than their light counterparts. But people don't eat them even if you prepare them well and give it to them for free.

There's always someone around me saying they can't get into the best foods in the world. I come from a planet where people have bodies that respond well to spicy foods and dark foods. Here on Earth people leave transparent coffee in hotel rooms, break rooms, Starbucks, all the worst places where you're most in need of color and flavor. Recently some Earth woman saw me getting coffee and said "Oh, I can't drink that stuff in the morning." I felt awkward so I said "Aw yeah, I like my coffee so dark that it absorbs all the light around it. When I make coffee at home the sky gets overcast. That's how I like beer too haha." She replied "oh... I'm a fan of Bud Light."

This isn't just blogging, that was verbatim how that exchange went. What do you even say to that. I'm ready to go home now, take me back. I miss the coffee from my home planet, it's nothing personal, people of Earth. Your Sumatrans and Ethiopians have done all they can.

I forgot to mention someone at the potluck brought homemade guacamole. It didn't have any cilantro or jalapeños in it.